Ben Tausig Answer In Own Puzzle

Here's an Onion article you'll never see (I hear they don't take submissions):

BEN TAUSIG ANSWER IN OWN PUZZLE

The answer for 33 Across in today's The Onion crossword puzzle is "Ben Tausig."

"What makes The Onion crossword puzzle so rad is that I make the answers!" explained puzzle editor Ben Tausig, who wrote himself as the answer to the clue, "Lord across the puniverse."

According to Tausig, who staunchly defends his use of puns in his work, wordplay keeps the player on her toes."Too many people Google-cheat their way through the pop culture references and this is my stand against it," said Tausig, shuffling a Scrabble dictionary under some paper on the desk. He believes that by manufacturing a pun, especially one that doesn't make sense, he adds a layer of difficulty for the uninitiated player, creating a unique "cross-sword (sic)" identity.

The answer for 12 Down is "Seventytogo."

"Get it?" he prodded. "Twelve down, seventy to go? There are eighty-two clues in the puzzle."

When reminded there are actually eighty-nine clues in today's puzzle, he responded that "seventyseventogo wouldn't fit."

Tausig's use of obscure three-letter words is at an all-time high today.

"It's hard," said Tausig. "You try coming up with forty-five three letter words to bind my puns together."

When stuck for clues, Tausig recharges by lighting candles and listening to linguistically flexible country music, followed by viewing back to back episodes of Jeopardy! By then he has worked his mind into "a froth, excited and percolating like the proverbial Dance of the Shiva. Oh, that's a good one for next week. The clue could be Turkish McIntyre, the answer: Dance of the Reba."

When told that clue was out of bounds and didn't make enough sense, Tausig replied, "If my crosswords are too hard, then go back to your New York Times, conservative literati!"

When told his attitude was now out of bounds as well, Tausig replied, "You want an easier clue? How about: How many fingers am I holding up?"The answer was "one." Look for it next week.